I see November 2013 is rolling around and you are getting that itch. That hankering for the ovary-tingling smell. That uncontrollable urge to hold ALL the babies. That sly glance at assorted newborn-sized cuteness. That desire for an uncomplicated little bundle who’s needs are so simple. That thought of proferring your uterus to a wriggly tenant on a nine month lease…..
Stop right there Missy!
I give you Exhibit A:
And Exhibit B:
And through your newborn-coloured glasses you may not remember the following:
1. At least four weeks of house-bound pain and invalid-ness;
2. Two hours of sleep a night if you’re lucky;
3. Boobs the size and weight of the bag full of nappies you have to lug out to the bin every three hours;
4. Being tethered to a little person who demands you frequently otherwise SCREAMY happens;
5. Always being 30mins late…. ALWAYS;
6. Waving to the wine bottle as it passes;
7. Fashion dictated by whether or not you can get your boobs out quick enough;
8. Unless you want it stretched, broken or eaten – no fancy-schmancy jewellery;
9. Only taking a purse, phone and glasses for yourself in a 45kg bag of crap for everyone else;
10. Getting. Nothing. Done;
11. Stubbing your toe on various tractor-related sharp and pointy things;
12. Never going to the toilet alone….. EVER;
13. Having absolutely no idea whats wrong with the writhing screaming bundle in your arms;
14. Tantrums because the top fell off a sandwich or the juice is in the wrong cup;
15. Being drooled, spewed, weed and pooed on all within 3 minutes;
16. Wearing the drool-spew-wee-poo clothes for four days because the washing machine is running overtime washing kidlet clothes;
17. Killer back-ache from leaning over the bath/cot/couch/floor/car and under the bath/cot/couch/floor/car – yes! Under the bath!
18. More Peppa Pig, Wiggles, Play School and Pingu than any sane, normal person should have to handle;
19. Always… ALWAYS being required to share half your meal;
20. And NINE MONTHS of feeling like a hungry whale that somebody perched atop two tree stumps and sent off in a V8 Supercar to drive up and down from Bright to Falls Creek at 80km/hr.
Yep! ALLLLLL that!
No – I don’t want to see……
I said don’t show me!………..
Ah crap….. As you were.